Friday, November 13, 2009
I am such an emotional creature. I think I mostly walk neither by faith nor by sight, but by feelings. Right now I feel tired. And apathetic. Numb even. I feel like I have so little to give You, nothing tangible to lay at your feet.
This must be how my mom felt, after so many years of sickness. I know she loved You to the end. I know, because she told me, that it was well with her soul...but I think that was about it. That was hard for me, when I'd come to rely on her as such a tower of faith.
It occurs to me, even as I'm writing this, that this prolonged illness of my own is a little gift from You, a small window into what my mom dealt with. Even in my exhaustion and apathy, You are teaching me.
The emotion, the high, if you will, is not the sum or substance of my faith. The sweet feeling of being close to You, that surge of joy that so often brings tears to my eyes, is wondrous. It's good, and powerful even, but it's not what sustains me. The memory of the high cannot carry me through the valley. Memory of emotion is just that--memory.
No. What carries me through the valley is this:
-The sure knowledge of Your faithfulness.
-The fact that no matter how my emotions ebb and flow like the tides, Your tender love for me will never change.
-That no matter what I do or how I feel, You are still exactly Who You say You are.